Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen. I stand before you today in the face of tyranny and injustice to found a new party to defend the life and liberty of the gaming community: The G-Party.
We noble constituents of the Gaming Party stand upon the precipice of a mountain overlooking an undulating sea of bullshit. That bullshit was “revealed” yesterday in the form of this:
That my friends is the Xbox One. We are told it is an “entertainment” console that will “revolutionize” the living room experience. It will play videos while Skyping your grandmother in the middle of a game while walking your dog and updating your fantasy league roster while you order a pizza. This system will have a relationship with you. It wants to be with you. It will touch you in ways no other console ever has before. I warn you now my people: Do NOT be seduced by the supposed gifts the Xbox Sandusky is offering. Here are the top three reasons why.
1. No Backwards Compatibility
Remember all those games you were convinced to pay 60 bucks for each? All that great downloadable content we were nickel and dimed into purchasing that inflated those games into 80, 90 and hundred dollar games?
Yesterday Xbox One said, “Fuck that and your dreams of ever playing them again.”
So now you sit there with a new paperweights in your living room that you need to offload asap to some Gamestop around the corner before snow starts falling on the cedars this autumn. Is backwards compatibility REALLY that expensive? I mean, if I can find an emulator for an 8-bit NES then how difficult is it to create software/hardware emulation for newer games? Oh yeah it isn’t
BECAUSE WE GET SAME DAMN GAMES RESOLD TO US THROUGH XBOX MARKETPLACE ALL THE DAMN TIME!!!
Oh yes, your library WILL return my G-Party constituents. SOME of them. For an additional 20+ bucks a pop! Buying this console sends them the message that this bullshit is ok to do to us as consumers. I most assuredly, vehemently, and resolutely say no to this. A stand needs to be taken and now is the perfect time for us as consumers to do so.
2. No Rental/Individual Resell Of Games
Apparently the gatekeepers of the industry think we are fucking idiots. No really. Name one thing you paid more than 50 dollars for that you weren’t able to try out first. Go ahead, I’ll wait. This point is somewhat debatable as Microsoft has given the promise of some hazy “resellers component” to their already cryptic marketplace. There I’m quite sure your digital games will be assigned some mystery valuation with a certain allotted amount of Microsoft points given and taken from your account with the purchase and resell of your digital content. THEY control it. THEY own the process. I’d be fine with this Microsoft could be trusted to just be a clear and fair mediator and not take something out the middle but come on people, fucking BITCOINS are less cryptic than Microsoft Points. Seriously. Now Im supposed to just go buy games based on the review of some website and hope they didn’t take too much money under the table in exchange for some page crashing full page pop up add? Cause game developers are totally honest about how good their games are going to be. Right.
I call bullshit.
3. It Makes You A Slave To Cable And Its Shitty Plans And Programming
I’ve been flirting with this idea of getting rid of cable for a while and I think it’s time. Cable has been struggling since consumers have discovered how to time-shift their programming to accommodate their lives. The archaic business model of paying for channels was on its way out -wait! What’s that?
Oh its fucking Xbox One.
Now in order to get the full functionality of the device you HAVE to be perpetually connected to the bullshit umbilical cord that is cable programming. Oh you thought you had a life? No. Sit your ambitiously mobile ass right back on your fucking couch and Skype a friend while you watch another episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta bitch! Linear programming needs to go and I shouldn’t have to pay for cable “packages” anymore. I can count the shows I watch religiously on one fucking hand and most are on HBO.
Honestly, if HBO became a standalone service I’d shit rainbows that very day. The Xbox One has obviously made a pact with the devils of Comcast, Time Warner, and the rest of their ilk because the Xbox One relies on this linear entertainment model for full functionality. What’s the end result? Shitty programming. There’s no significant incentive for a bundled channel to improve it’s lineup. You’re gonna watch it anyway and if you don’t it doesn’t fucking matter. They still get their dollars and the provider continues to reap the benefits of the “service” of providing you that same shitty channel.
Now is the time to take a stand. When this thing is launched this holiday season slap any child you see begging for it. Let this shit go the way of the Wii U and the NeoGeo of old. Prove to the industry once again that we are the G-Party and just because something is new, shiny, and “liquid black,” it does not mean we will fucking buy it. Technology should conform to us and our needs. We should not have to conform to it.